Loser

by Benway

I'm fat, I'm ugly, and I'm stupid. Jake says so.

I have to get up at 6. I get up at 6 every day. Winners start early. They haven't figured out I'm not really one, yet. I skip the Maalox, because the scale says I'm OK. Even if Jake sets the scale so it doesn't read zero when there's no-one on it, I'll be OK. It's good because Mom bought the minty kind because it was on sale. I don't like minty.

Every morning, we drive to the gym. It's 80 miles away. We even drove in a snowstorm once. It's what winners do. Jake was waiting for us, that day. Mom always does the driving. Dad's gone. The judge said they could divorce because he wanted me to be a loser and quit. I never knew he hated me so much. Who wouldn't, ugly thing like me?

Jake does the 8 o'clock weigh-in. Each of us stands on a scale, one beside the other. There's this screen, and we all see our weights. I'm OK. Missy's a pig. She's over 70. Ugly fat pig. I don't oink, I never do, but someone else does.

I take four Midols. I wait for them to kick in while I stretch. I don't need six this morning. I can stretch better than any of them, but it's not good enough. Before they screwed the tendon back on, I could bend all the way over and walk on my hands and feet with my tummy pointing up. That's how Jake found me. He knows I could walk on the walls and on the ceiling that way too, but he says only losers do that. I don't do it ever, unless there's no-one around. Not even Mom knows.

It's lunch. My tutor gives me a test. It's multiple-choice. One of the answers is none of the above. That's how I answer all the questions.

After lunch, Jake takes me into the private gym and we do the Special. It's something we're saving for the Trials. No-one can see it, so no-one can copy it. If they did see it, someone better would do it and I'd lose.

My tutor brings back the test and she says I got an A.

Before I go to bed, I watch some TV with my Mom. It's so weird, full of losers. The show has this fat blonde kid who kills monsters. Mom says she's a good example, but she's a total loser. She cries. She looks afraid. She tries to quit. She hangs around with other losers. I don't get why she kills the guy with the teeth. He'd show her how not to be a loser. He's kind of like Jake.

_____________________________________________________________

The trials are today. I've been good with the Maalox, so I'm under 65 again.

I'm shit. Jake says so. Jake is lying today. He's telling me I'm not shit when there's other people around. He never uses words like shit or bitch or cunt when there's other people around. The other kids are worse, though. They're all fat.

Mom's in the crowd, with the other kids' moms. Mom knows what to say to make them think I'm a winner. She even gets into fights sometimes. She won't get in a fight here, with the cameras around. Jake says there are ten thousand people here today, and millions watching on TV. I keep telling this to the others as we're waiting. One of them pukes, and there's food in it. Double loser.

I'm not supposed to be good. I'm supposed to be a long shot. Jake says it's the big time if I get a place.

It's time. I stand at the line. I do the Special. I hear something go in my ankle on the dismount, but I make sure it doesn't show. I've got 12 stress fractures I know about, maybe this is lucky 13. Some of the judges are crying. I guess I fooled them. Losers.

I get perfect 10s. Jake smiles a lot and talks to the cameras. I smile too. I've practiced. When the cameras go away, he tells me how badly I fucked it up.

I get to go, though.

That night, we go to a restaurant that's really dark inside. Mom makes a big deal about the cloth napkins. I don't get it. I can eat a salad anywhere. She says I'm going to be on a Wheaties box.

_____________________________________________________________

We fly somewhere that takes 20 hours on the plane to get there. The people there speak English wrong.

We live in a place called The Village. There are all kinds of fat people around. Our moms keep them out and us in. I don't want to go out, but some of the other losers want to get food. I help them find a window to get out, then I go and tell my Mom.

I go to the line. I do the Extra Special. I get to stand on the tallest step. I fool them all.

I have to stand in front of the cameras. I smile and Jake does the talking. I'm supposed to be too shy, but I'm too stupid to do it right. One time, someone asked me if I liked boys, and I said no, not after Cathy's brother peed in me. Everyone got upset and I got into trouble and had to talk to the police. Mom said I didn't have to worry, because I hadn't had the changes yet.

The doctor wants to take a blood sample. Jake says all I have to do is pee in the cup. The doctor says there's a new rule. Jake starts crying and says it's not fair.

I'm a loser.

Mom says they stole it from me, changed the rules so I couldn't win, but I think I wasn't supposed to. The pee test only said I was a loser if I'd already been through the changes, not before. The blood test says what I'll be after the changes. Some fat kid gets the medal.

I want to die.

_____________________________________________________________

I'm still alive. Things are better now, even though everyone can see how fat, ugly, and stupid I am.

There were cameras after we went home. We had to hide in a motel. I didn't get to be on the Wheaties box. Mom cried and drank a lot and said she wished I'd never been born. A man took me in his car and peed in me, and we went to another motel. There was a store across the highway that sold food. I stole money from Mom's purse and went and bought food.

I ate a lot of food. The changes came, and I couldn't stop eating. I had meat for the first time, and it was better than protein bars. I made Mom call Jake until he came and visited me. He got kind of upset, so I ate him.

They came and took us away to the special hospital. They give me everything I want to eat, and Sundays are neat because they give me a loser to eat. Mom still helps out when she's not drunk. She sleeps in the room next door, because of the smell. I like the smell, and if they try to clean and they're not fast enough I get an extra meal.

It's not so bad now. I can see colours when the lights are off with the eyes on my heads and on my legs. I can smell them coming a mile away, and know that if I got really hungry, I could get out of here any time I wanted to. I don't go though, because they've got my eggs. I don't know what they do with them, but they take every one I lay except the one that Mom's helping me feed. They don't know about that one, and neither does she.

Maybe it'll be a girl. Maybe she'll be like me. She won't be a loser. Not more than once, anyways.

FIN

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